mild

somewhere along the journey i shed the ability to feel. i've become afraid to venture out of a certain range if there was a possibility that it would open floodgates to higher degree emotions. i stop myself before these emotions can even leak out.

that should explain why i usually remain silent when someone tries to pour their feelings. i factor in the feeling of regret on hindsight should i express extreme emotions.

this has been going on for a long time that it's just ingrained. i don't know how to feel anymore. my cousin ali broke a vase when he got locked out of the house. when i get locked out, i utter silent curses for 5 seconds and then my mind goes blank. it was a form of calmness that i was proud of but it's begun to feel unhealthy and unnatural.

truthfully, it feels like i'm just alive so i can die.

2:38 AM

faithfully yours,

Sharifah F. Alshahab

flip over

what is up with guys willingly building me majestic sandcastles just to trample on it while i helplessly watch. take me to the past with a multiple paged letter as a window to your soul and a picture album from our history as a prelude to a card that described how repulsive i am to you. take me into the future where i am your cleopatra and we have ball playing babies of our own and build our lives from there and then leave me to grapple with the words you so easily dispense.

i never asked for a sandcastle. i never asked for 21 missed calls or for you to be so handicapped when i'm gone. i never asked for your limitless passion or for the promise of your return where you will gallantly kneel before me with a ring. i never asked for any of that. and you fools readily offer me the world, only to fall short.

all i wanted was for us to feel like we're stargazing at the vertex of the pyramid and believe in the prospect of us in a different dimension, in another world or another lifetime. for us to grasp and embrace that from the day we met, you and i exist in our own perfect little world. and that a lifetime of love between romeo and juliet or samson and delilah can never compare to the one we shared for the brief period that we were together. for a story that will make fairytale characters envious.

but really, if you had just wanted to break my heart, go ahead and shatter it beyond recognition. that'll hurt less than the cracks my heart has had to endure.



and if you think this is about you, it isn't. you were a cross reference.

2:15 AM

faithfully yours,

Sharifah F. Alshahab

u & i

words. they're losing effect on me. your words. are weightless. faces. they're losing familiarity. you face. is just another in a sea of unfamiliar faces. you. i've lost regonition for in my memory. and i. i care because that's just basic. i ache because i believe. and i believe because i know.

9:18 PM

faithfully yours,

Sharifah F. Alshahab

embrace

11:34 PM

faithfully yours,

Sharifah F. Alshahab

let it click

1:46 AM

faithfully yours,

Sharifah F. Alshahab

deepest first cut

dear john, twilight, blablabla, same thing. boy with history, chapters. average girl doing just fine. and then love, four letter word for emotional blackmail. 

11:42 PM

faithfully yours,

Sharifah F. Alshahab

the games that play us

at first, when i saw it, i turned away. and now, i just stare at it until it stopped hurting. because it makes me feel strong. so, it's stopped hurting. and i can stare all day, baby. it's stopped hurting.

1:33 AM

faithfully yours,

Sharifah F. Alshahab